You know you’re a doula when…

I’ve started a fun little game on my doula group where we come up with the funniest “You know you’re a doula when…” quotes.  I’ll try and keep adding them as they come up!

You know you’re a doula when

You misread “Pasta Primavera” as “pasta primapara.”

You carry more supplies and luggage to a birth than you do when you go on vacation.

You watch births on TV shows and can’t help but talk to the television the entire time. “See, you shoulda had a doula!” “Stop counting to ten with each push.  She knows how to push!” “WHY are they doing THAT??”

While watching “A Baby’s Story” with your ten year old son, he rolls his eyes and says “not another epidural!”

You watch a professional basketball game on TV, see all those shaved heads as caputs, and speculate as to their presentation at birth.

You spend hours each day on the computer, yet when someone mentions they are in an “LDR”, you first think of “Labor and Delivery Room”. Not a long distance relationship.

You rejoice at the following – swearing, vomiting, pooping on the bed, nausea, gas, belching – let’s see did I leave anything out? and think “Cool! We’re getting close!”

You can see a woman vomit, urinate, defecate, spray amniotic fluid while in labor, or have a cesarean without a second thought.

You check on your kids in the middle of the night and your three year old mumbles “Did her water break?”

My daughter pumping

My daughter pumping

When your daughter’s boyfriend knows what effacement is.

Your kids tell their friends that Mommy had another baby and was up all night.

Your children think all pregnant ladies know you.

Your children know more about birth than most women who have given birth to 3 babies.

Your seven-year-old son refuses to marry anyone who won’t birth at home.

Your son is doing a great job learning to read but cant figure out why the teacher keeps talking about contractions.

Your 16 year old takes a child development class in high school and knows more that the teacher about birth, breastfeeding and parenting.

You unconsciously think “Labor Pool” is a water-filled tub for a woman to lay in while having her baby, not a group of workers.

Your child wakes you up in the middle of the night and you mumble, “How far apart are they?”

You live for the times someone says, “A doula? What’s that?”

You and your family think it’s totally normal to discuss 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th degree episiotomies over dinner… you explain what a placenta looked like over spaghetti… heck you even discuss placental abruptions and calcifications over a roast beef.

You’ve been in bed with more women than you care to admit in mixed company.

You’ve touched more breasts than you care to admit in mixed company.

You have more pictures and videos containing naked women in your home than the porno shop downtown.

You pack and repack your birth bag 3 times, check the on off switch on your pager/cell phone 5 times and go to bed with your clothes on… on a hunch…and you get called three hours later.

Your client snaps at you and you think: “Oh good, she’s not smiling anymore!”

When your spouse knows to ask three questions: Are you in labor? If no, Is this an emergency? Would you like her to call you back later or do you want her cell phone number?

You hubby asked was it a girl or a boy and rolls over and goes back to sleep.

The guy at the photo shop passes out while developing your film.

Although you do poorly in math, you can instantly calculate how much more weight the birth ball can hold.

Your client is nearing her due date and you become fascinated by what she sees when she wipes and how soft her bowel movements are.

Your teenagers answer the phone and start by saying “how far apart are the contractions?”

You see a metal mixing bowl in a store and think “placenta”.

Or…you see a metal mixing bowl and think “vomit”.

When while everyone else in the room is yelling and counting, “hold your breath, chin down, no noise, 1, 2, 3, pushhhhhhhhh harder harder.” You are the only one in the room whispering in the moms ear “listen to your body, you are doing such a great job, look down, push your baby out, just like that, You are sooooooooo awesome!”

You’re so exhausted you could weep, you haven’t gone pee for 9 hours even though your bladder’s bursting, you’ve just wiped poo from someone’s backside, you have flecks of blood and vomit on your shoes, but there is still no place in the world you’d rather be.

You know you’re a doula when PROM doesn’t make you think of high school. (me)

You know your a doula when your 5 year old tells another child “No your baby brother isn’t growing in your mommy’s tummy. He is in her UTERUS. Mommies don’t eat the babies!” (Desirre)

You know you’re a doula when you overhear your husband explaining to another man how to watch a woman’s behavior for dilation during labor.  (Nicole Yingling)

You know you’re a Doula When, your 5 year old Son wants to be an OB cause what mommy does is so cool, but he’s convinced that Doulas have to be girls. Even though I’ve NEVER ever told him Doulas have to be girls.  (Sara)